With summer on the wane, and the school year rapidly closing in upon us like a church service (I used to say “freight train” in this sort of context, but at this point in my mothering career getting hit with a church service is actually more traumatic than being hit by a freight train), I would like to present my latest scientific research on The Child. I’ve made it my life’s study to observe these creatures in multiple environs: my kitchen, the backyard, and also public spheres. While relatively tame (compared to, say, rabid monkeys) in the first two situations, both considered their natural habitats, when captivity is attempted and Child feels trapped in either the aforementioned church service or a grocery store, Child is no longer even relatively tame and one should just flee for one’s life.
Some controversy has arisen in scientific circles about The Child and whether it should divided into two sub-species: Child Inside and Child Outside, or if in fact these are two distinct species. They may look similar at a cursory glance (though one is usually significantly dirtier than the other), however, each rainy day and the requisite indoor-ness of my children convinces me more and more that while possibly distantly related, the two species are indeed separate.
Should you encounter a specimen in the wild and are unsure which you are facing, here are a few distinguishing characteristics. Fear not, in either case, both species respond well to snacks. If you find yourself unprepared- pockets empty and not even a half-eaten peanut-butter sandwich to your name- back away slowly and carefully. Both can be quite ferocious when hungry.
Child Inside says:
Awww, clear the table Again?? I have to do all the work around here! It’s just like I’m a maid!!!
While Child Outside says:
It is my turn in the sandbox!! I will do all the cooking and cleaning! It is my turn to be the maid!!
Child Inside:
Is clearly too weak to climb stairs with one pair of socks to put away.
Child Outside:
Scales a tree in less than 30 seconds. With a book and popsicle.
Child Inside:
Protests the Bath (once a month whether they need it or not!): You mean take off All My Clothes Entirely and get wet ALL OVER??? Nooo! Not on my head!
Child Outside:
Plays in sprinkler and dresses/undresses fully 12 times in one hour. Please can we turn on the hose and put on our bathing suits and get wet ALL OVER??!
Child Inside:
Cannot focus on a single task for more that 18 seconds before collapsing to the floor in despair.
Child Outside:
Has been digging a hole in the backyard for two weeks straight with no discernible purpose, goal, or end in sight.
Child Inside:
Has gone to the bathroom 43 times in one hour and used an entire roll of toilet paper and 2 full dispensers of soap.
Child Outside:
Capable of waiting to go to the bathroom until tomorrow.
Child Inside:
Eyes all vegetables with suspicion. Green is the color of the enemy.
Child Outside:
Indiscriminately grazes voraciously in the garden and out of the garden, occasioning a first-name basis friendship with Poison Control.
Child Inside:
Has mastered the art of perpetual questioning.
Child Outside:
Hasn’t actually been heard from since May.
